Three Minutes to Midnight
by Hardcore Heathen
Summary: Naruto begins his genin career under the tutelage of Mitarashi Anko. He quickly learns that he has never hated anyone this much in his entire life. AU.
1. Prologue: The Stage is Set

**Three Minutes to Midnight**

**Author's Notes:** Mildly AU. In the same sense that the Black Death had some minor effects. But, things you need to know now? Well, we're working with the premise that, instead of genin teams, each genin has their own, individual sensei. Not all of them get jounin (there aren't enough of them) but each one has an experienced, older ninja as a sensei.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. Not sure who'd want to, really. Seems like he'd make an awful slave. Too much energy and verve; you'd have to either castrate 'em or beat him into permanent mental damage to get him to settle down a bit.

**The Time is Now 11:57**

**Prologue: In Which the Stage is Set**

Her jaw twitched uncontrollably as the last shreds of her self-restraint vanished.

They'd stuck her with an idiot. This would absolutely _torpedo_ her career. There was no way she could turn this buffoon into a shinobi. He was a failure, plain and simple, a waste of her valuable time.

And his damn clothes were so bright she was getting a headache just _looking_ at the runty little bastard.

"So when do we get to go on a mission and fight enemy ninja and rescue princess and stuff?" her new charge asked brightly, eyes shining, his entire _being_ suffused with the hyperactive energy of a toddler who'd inhaled his body weight in cocaine.

She reached out, grabbed him by the very large collar of his **bright orange** jacket, and hauled him a solid two feet into the air so she could look him in the eye without leaning over. Her grip twisted the collar enough that it was cutting off some of his air, which conveniently cut off whatever his next idiotic sentence would have been.

"If you don't shut up right now I am going to stick my thumbs in your eyes and _twist_ until all that comes out is white jelly," she hissed. Since he couldn't breathe, he couldn't respond to the threat except by having his eyes bulge slightly and for his struggles against her iron grip to increase slightly. She smiled.

"Good boy. Now let me set the record straight. You are a new genin. I am your new sensei. You will be given a long series of shit missions with other new genin, like finding dogs and painting fences. When I say you're ready, they'll flag you for more important missions, like guarding caravans of precious cargo. Such as cabbages." She shook him and relaxed her chokehold, his head lolling slightly. "Oi! Stay awake or I will make sure that you never wake up. Now. If you ever wish to become a glorious and noble cabbage guardian, you will be quiet and _listen_ to me. Because in between your virtuous D-Rank jobs mucking out stables and whatever other work you are given, _I_ am supposed to teach you to be shinobi."

Then she dropped him to the ground. He landed poorly, and whatever breath he'd managed to gather went into high-pitched cry as he landed directly on his ankle. Anko looked at her hands in distaste before wiping them off on her coat. She'd have to wash it when she got home.

"And let us be very clear. You are a long, long, long way away from being a Knight of the Cabbage. I have heard the stories and read the files. You are a lazy shirker who avoided everything you thought boring about being a ninja and then somehow managed to graduate from the Academy. You are unfit in every imaginable way." She abruptly grinned, her face brightening like the sun. "Now. Questions?"

He'd finally recovered some of his breath, and though he was still clutching his foot in pain, the look he gave her was absolute murder. She could even feel a trace of killing intent behind it. The first thing he'd done right since she'd laid eyes on his miserable little hide.

He yelled, "What the hell are you talking about, you ugly – "

Anko's open hand descended like a thunderbolt from the heavens, and knocked him to the ground with a pealing boom like thunder. The blow sent him rolling a half a dozen feet across the wood floor before he came to a thudding halt against the wall. She stalked after him on sandalled feet, the metal of her shin guards clinking slightly with each step.

He managed to roll over with a groan, and started to rise. She put her foot on his chest and applied enough pressure to hear bones creak. If the brat had been capable of thought, he might have noticed that her current pose gave him an excellent look up long, toned legs and inside a barely-there miniskirt into the crotch of her mesh bodystocking. It was a view some men would gladly trade places with her student for.

She ground her heel into his sternum.

Rather stupid men, honestly.

When she felt she had attracted a sufficient amount of the boy's attention, she moved her foot up and onto his throat. She didn't apply pressure, just kept it hovering as an obvious threat. He looked up at her with fear in his eyes, and she enjoyed every second of that.

"You appear to be laboring under the impression that you are still in the Academy. I believe we've moved past that point now, yes?" she began conversationally. "Good. Now, what I was talking about was your inability to fight, react to a threat, think tactically, use the ninja arts, conceal yourself, blend into a crowd, deceive a mark, or work with others effectively. I am supposed to rectify those gaps in your education, and the only reason you are still drawing breath is that if you succeed in becoming so much as a Cabbage Knight, it will be against such impossible odds that riches and favors will be showered down upon my genius."

Without saying another word, she turned and started walking away, trenchcoat swirling at the sudden movement. She crooked a finger at the boy without looking back, the disorganized clatter of limbs scraping against the floor all she needed as confirmation that yes, the idiot was following.

Probably so he could get close enough to try and stab her to death, but she would work with what she was given. At least the brat's buttons were easy to push.

**Closing Notes:** It's all an elaborate trap and the AU is that Sasuke is an idiot who wears orange. You can take me at my word.

Well.

If you're a dunce, that is.


	2. Chapter One: The Line is Drawn

**Three Minutes to Midnight**

**Author's Notes:** Mmmm...I think I'm brushing the M barrier with this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. And what with all those female cosplayers out there, I'm not going to buy one. The possibility of a reverse-trap, while intriguing, is to be avoided.

**The Time Is Now 11:57**

**Chapter One: In Which The Line is Drawn**

Naruto rose to his feet unsteadily, the wood of the Academy classroom's floor creaking beneath his feet. He could taste blood in his mouth from biting through the inside of his cheek, and he swallowed the coppery-tasting substance with a jerky convulsion of his throat.

Then he charged after the purple-headed woman with fire in his eyes and his hands balled into fists.

When the tail of the crazy lady's trenchcoat flared up, he blinked, and felt a steel grip latch onto his outstretched hand. Then he was in the air. When he opened his eyes he was looking at her, upside down, through Naruto-shaped holes in two – no, three – walls. Then the pain hit.

"Gkkkhhkkaa," he groaned.

Anko snorted as she stepped through the holes, following after him. "Oh stop being a baby; the walls are mostly rice paper." Chakra-reinforced rice paper with solid wood beams running throughout. But mostly rice paper.

Naruto managed to roll to his feet with a groan of pain. There was a sense of déjà vu here, as if he'd done this before…oh yes! Twice. In the past five minutes. Because the sensei he'd been stuck with was a psychotic _bitch_ who was trying to **KILL HIM!**

"What the hell is wrong with you!" he yelled.

She stopped a goodly distance away, and Naruto couldn't help but feel relieved at that. His entire body _hurt_. "We don't have long enough for that list, boyo," she answered, grinning slightly. "What's more important is what's wrong with you. You, who would be Hokage." Her nose scrunched up as she giggled at that. "As if."

He was moving before actual thought could have any interference in the way his leg lashed out, right at her unprotected stomach. She grabbed his foot with her off hand, not even bothering to plant her feet, and pushed him backwards. He stumbled, teetering and off balance, before just rolling with it and landing on his hands, springing back a few feet to land upright and in something that vaguely resembled a fighting posture.

She yawned. "I'm a tokubetsu jounin. On a scale of one to ten in actual fighting strength, I'm about a six. Elite jounin would be eight. The Hokage's somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty-seven, but you'll have to forgive that. He _is_ getting old. You…are nothing."

As if he hadn't heard that before. He glared at her, at this next obstacle between him and the pointy Hokage hat. There was only one way to answer that insult.

"I will surpass every Hokage before me."

It was his dream. The shining, guiding light that everyone he had ever met laughed at, either to his face or behind his back. And this woman would be no different.

"Tch. Prove it." She took a lazy, relaxed stance, her arms loose, and made a come-hither gesture.

He came it her more carefully this time, keeping the words of his instructors firmly in mind as he did so – knees bent slightly, feet spread to give himself a firm stance, thumb aligned with his knuckles instead of inside his fingers. He punched as he'd been taught, putting weight behind it and aiming for a point a few inches behind his intended target. It guaranteed follow-through.

Anko slapped the punch to the left as she stepped to the left, then grabbed him by the hair and kicked him in the back of his right knee. He'd been pivoting on that leg, and when it buckled it took him with it. He hit the ground for the fourth time.

"You should try and remember that, in a fight, the other person is going to fight back. It's not like hitting a wooden post," Anko commented idly.

He struck at her with a weak, off-balance kick, and had the pleasure of seeing her step back to avoid it. Using the tiny bit of momentum he'd gained from the movement, he rose to his feet.

"Desperate attacks to get room rarely work, you know."

"Shut up!" he yelled, following his words with a brief flurry of punches.

She had a look of amused contempt as she redirected his blows away, effortlessly weaving around his attacks. She was toying with him, and he knew it.

He saw something thin and gleaming appear in her hand, and before he could react, there was a sudden flash of pressure across his throat. He could feel a disturbing wetness going from one corner of his jaw to another. Anko used her other hand to push him back, flourishing her weapon menacingly.

It was a magic marker.

Naruto rubbed his throat nervously. For a second there, he'd thought she'd used a kunai.

"The score is currently: Anko – Five, Brat – Zero," she called, humor in her eyes.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto!" he yelled at her. And he'd be damned if he'd let a score like that stand.

His next assault was over before it began, as he tripped over a hanging bit of wire halfway between him and Anko. He skidded to a halt, face first, at her feet. Then felt the marker being drawn over the back of his neck.

"Six to nothing."

"I ht oo," he mumbled into the floor.

Anko poked him with her toe. Hard. "Might wanna try doing something about that. Who knows? Ya might get lucky."

Naruto pushed himself to his feet and glared at her, hands balled into fists. "What do you _want_ from me!" he yelled.

Her only response was to lash out with the marker again, leaving a line along his cheek. "Seven to nothing."

"..."

She did it again. "Eeeeeight," she sing-songed.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me."

Anko reached out with the marker and put another line on his face. "Nine. Maybe you should work towards evening this score, mmm? If you get one point, just one little point, I might go away."

She might…go away? Leave? So that he could do ninja missions and other cool stuff? (Because really, that whole fence painting shtick was clearly a vicious lie, meant to demoralize Future Hokage Uzumaki Naruto. No way was he going to have to do pointless menial labor as a _ninja._) His face lit up. So far, she hadn't done anything _that_ much worse than a particularly angered Iruka-sensei. Scary as she was, he could press the attack without fear of _serious _retaliation.

The marker lashed out once more. "Ten! We're in double digits now. You should be thanking me. If your grades were anything to go by, you didn't get this far in math. I'm sure this is very educational for you."

With a roar, he attacked.

It was a vicious slaughter. Numerous non-essential walls gained even more numerous holes and tears, desks were broken, and various and sundry important classroom articles were used as weapons and destroyed in the battle.

Final Score: Anko – Thirty-seven. Naruto – Zero.

"Done!" she called out.

"What…are you talking….about…?" panted Naruto. Sweat dripped down his face, and the knees of his pants had frayed enough to show the friction burns on his knees.

She pulled a mirror out of her trenchcoat and flourished it at him, a shit-eating grin plastered on her face. Naruto looked at it for a full minute, his mind refusing to comprehend it. But it dawned on him slowly, despite his best efforts. His face went slack with horror. It was…it was…

"A nice, big cock," Anko explained, grinning.

It was aimed at his mouth. And it was spurting streams of black come at his mouth, which had a large amount of "overflow" dribbling down his chin.

In _permanent marker._

He screamed in inarticulate horror.

Anko's grin got wider. "It's a veiny son of a bitch, too."

And the fight was on again. This time, it was more vicious, with an edge of true hatred on Naruto's part. He started to pull out every trick in his arsenal, one by one.

He formed a handseal and called out, "Bunshin no Jutsu!" A dozen copies flickered into existence, a brief puff of smoke concealing the location of the real one.

"Kage Sharpie no Jutsu," Anko replied, yawning as she threw the sharpie at him. It quickly became a hundred, soaring through his feeble clones and adding another dot to the chin of the real one. The original sharpie rebounded and landed in Anko's hand. "Forty-two."

A minute later, he attempted another basic Academy technique. Kawarimi no Jutsu, only with a chair directly behind Anko. She recognized the chair. His assault from behind was stopped short by her upraised foot. As was the next Kawarimi, and the next, and the next. But then he sprung the trap! Instead of using the technique on the teacher's podium behind her, Naruto merely used Henge to turn into it. The next step of the plan had been to attack from behind when she turned to deal with the "real" him.

Unfortunately, she dealt with this tactic by grabbing his henged form and swinging it at the podium he'd turned into. The podium had been solid hardwood.

It was now solid hardwood kindling, and he was in a solid amount of pain.

"Aaaand sixty-six to nothing. Nice try on that last one." She held up the mirror again.

He now had a matching penis on his right cheek, also sending black streams towards his lips. Naruto whimpered.

"But that's enough fun for now, Bukkake Boy. We've got ninja missions to pick up."

Naruto's bottom lip quivered. "From the Hokage Tower?"

Anko grinned. "Yep."

"But…but…"

"But you have penises drawn on your face?" Anko asked, voice laden with sickeningly sweet false sympathy.

He nodded.

"And you have only yourself to blame. If you could fight your way out of a wet paper bag, you might only have _one_ on your face. Now c'mon. They'll bust you back to a student if you skip out on your first day of missions."

His lip trembled harder, and he felt wetness gathering in his eyes. This woman was pure, pure evil. And he'd been put in her care.

Long experience told him tears would get him nowhere. So he stood up and followed after her, dragging his feet and hanging his head. This was the _worst_ day of his life.

* * *

Multiple requests that they slow down so he could use the bathroom were ignored. He didn't really need to go; he just wanted a sink. Or a bag. That would work too. Air holes wouldn't even be necessary; he could just asphyxiate and black out for a bit.

"And stand up straight, kid, nobody's going to respect you if you're walking around staring at your shoes all the time."

He stood up straighter, lifted his head, and started stepping in time. But his eyes were focused on a distant point, and as much as possible, he pretended his surroundings weren't real. And so he walked to the Hokage tower, like a death camp victim being marched to his mass grave before the minor formality of being shot to death.

Naruto managed to successfully block out most of the journey. Unfortunately, he couldn't rattle off his own identification number without thinking about it, so he had to come back to earth when the chuunin in charge of handing out missions asked for it. That was when the snickers and looks finally got to him. At least the man asking for his serial was making (and failing) a heroic effort to keep his face straight, but the others weren't even bothering to try.

His face flushed, and he licked his lips as he tried to hide his embaraassment. "Oh-twelve-six-oh-seven."

The chuunin's hand was remarkably steady as he filled out the paperwork, despite his rolling shoulders, twitching mouth, and the tears rolling down his eyes. "H-here you go, the, *snrk* the uh, details are inside."

"Thank you." He walked out of the building, his entire and neck covered in black Sharpie. When they got out to the street, he looked up at Anko. "This means war," he stated.

She twiddled her fingers at him. "Pishaw. What I did is nothing. Wait till the rumor mill gets ahold of this and you'll have _real_ reason to be upset. Now run along and enjoy your important missions. I took the liberty of specifically requesting them for you."

Naruto picked a random direction and walked. Anything to get away from her. As he did, he cracked the seal on the scroll he'd been given and began to read. His expression, one of cold, cold, barely restrained wrath didn't change.

He was to fix the damages that the Academy had recently incurred from "end of the year training exercises." The note at the bottom listed all the other ninja who'd been assigned to this mission.

Every female in the graduating class.

He carefully rolled the scroll back up and tucked it into his back pocket. Then he pulled a kunai out of the pouch at his belt and took a good, long look at it.

His reflection was barely distorted in the weapon's mirror shine.

Then he screamed in rage, flailing about wildly with his arms and kicking the air. Seven minutes later he glared at everyone around him, panting and heaving. "The hell are you looking at?" he growled.

They looked nervous for a minute, but their eyes eventually drifted back to his face and their hands went back to their mouths, covering smiles. Naruto stomped off towards the Academy.

Worst. Day. Ever.


	3. Chapter Two: Penises Are Unremarkable

**Three Minutes to Midnight**

**Author's Notes:** Japan is a cool place. Food is expensive though.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. (If I did, the series would be badly written half-finished porn.)

**The Time is Now 11:57**

**Chapter Two: In Which Penises Blend In**

He made it to the Academy quickly, utilizing the rooftops as much as possible. There were fewer people, though he spotted a lot of ninja taking the same route. More than usual; it took him at least five extra minutes to get to the Academy. He didn't want to be within fifty feet of anyone.

But, looking up at the doors to the school he'd gone to for as long as he could remember, he couldn't put it off any longer. With a heavy heart and dragging footsteps, he walked closer to doom. The door slid open with depressing ease. He took a deep breath to steady himself, squared his shoulders, and walked in, forcing a spring to his step. Maybe if he acted normal nobody would notice.

The first person he saw was Iruka-sensei. Naruto felt tears well up in the back of his eyes. It had been one day since he'd been a student in the Academy, and he already missed the man. And he'd thought Iruka-sensei could be stern or a killjoy. Ah, if only he'd known how nice Iruka-sensei was! He would have appreciated the man so much more. Probably would have done everything the same, just been happier about how easy it was to get away with it.

Iruka-sensei looked up from a clipboard and spotted Naruto. "Ah, you're here. Good, you're the last one." He held out the clipboard and a pen. "Sign here please."

Naruto paused and blinked in surprise. Was Iruka-sensei really not commenting on…it?

The older man coughed impatiently, and Naruto hurried over to sign his name. There were, as he'd feared, dozens of other genin's names on the list – more witnesses for his humiliation. It looked like _everyone_ from his graduating class would be here, not just the girls.

He seriously contemplated dipping out and playing truant – but he was a ninja now, not a student. He should take this seriously.

Iruka took his clipboard back and waved in the general direction of the hallways. "You, and most of the other graduates, are 'providing security' for a maintenance crew. The Academy recently took some damages –" if Iruka noticed the black look on Naruto's face, he didn't comment, "–and we had to expand the size of our normal maintenance team to keep end-of-the-year cleanup on schedule. Not all of the crew has gone through as rigorous a security screening as we'd like. Which is where you new genin come in: just keep an eye on them and make sure they stay out of the armory, the library, the records offices, and the teachers' lounges. They're not here just yet, but they will be in about…forty-five minutes. When they do get here, talk to Tazuna-san to get a work schedule to see who should be where at what time. He's an older man, spiky gray hair, beard, overweight. Until then, you can just wait in the auditorium with the others." Iruka paused for a moment and looked meaningfully at Naruto. "Got all that?"

Naruto blinked slowly. "Um, yeah."

"Now, tell me again…what are you doing?"

"I'm, uh, going to go wait in the auditorium for a old fat guy. And then I'm keeping people out of some rooms."

Iruka sighed. "Close enough. Go on in."

Naruto walked past his sensei toward the auditorium, trying to put his own embarrassment out of mind. If worst came to worst, he could just explain what had happened. The thought brightened his mood, if slightly. I mean, of _course_ it's a funny story. And who wouldn't want to hear about a sensei as crazy as his?

He opened the door to the auditorium, completely assured that he had a conversational topic for the next month, and immediately came to an abrupt halt.

There were almost thirty genin in the room. It was a good-sized auditorium, so they were far from filling the place, but they'd all spread out and created a huge bubble of "personal space."

And each and every one of those bubbles was at the center of some form of chaos.

One girl in a pale tan-ish parka was sitting in a corner, facing the wall. She'd drawn his eye because of the spotlight shining down on her. And the "dramatic entrance" music normally reserved for comic book superheroes. And the falling rose petals. She looked naggingly familiar, and he _knew_ he should know her name. There were only nine graduates for God's sake.

But he'd never really been awake for school, and he sucked with names. Besides, there were other things to see.

His eyes drifted from one bit of insanity to another without ever catching more than a detail or two. Akamaru attacking Kiba's leg, and the Inuzuka boy just moping about it. Shikamaru pacing in agitation. Somebody's pants on fire. A boy wearing a hat that looked like a giant cockroach. Wait, was that hat _alive_? It was moving around...creepy. And over in a corner was Ino, a giant pig snout dominating her face.

Huh. Well. Penises on his face…not that impressive any more.

He headed for Shikamaru. The normally-laid back boy usually had a keen understanding of what was going on, even if he couldn't be bothered to give a damn about it.

"Hey! Shikamaru!" he called out as soon as he thought he was too close to ignore.

The Nara boy pivoted on one foot mid-pace and positively _dashed_ to Naruto. "Naruto! Where've you been! There's been so much insanity! By the way you have penises on your face." His words came rapid-fire, brimming with an energy that seemed totally alien.

Naruto blinked in confusion. "Shikamaru…what happened to you?" he asked, speaking very slowly. Maybe the Nara boy would mimic him.

Shikamaru laughed. The rhythm was odd, and it was strangely pitched. "My sensei tried to trick me into drinking a lot of energy drinks. I'm not noticing any effects though. I mean, it's a bit hard to focus, but I can still do stuff. Like I counted all the ceiling tiles. There's 372. Unless you count half-tiles. The fractional tiles screw with me because I can't get up there to measure exactly."

"…Oooookay. I think you need to calm down, man."

"I'mfine!"

Naruto backed away slowly. "Right. I'll, uh, talk to you later."

Shikamaru nodded quickly. "Bring me a soda when-you-get-back! It's hot in here." He wiped sweat off his forehead to emphasize the claim. His hand was shaking slightly, but he didn't seem to notice.

Before the conversation could go any further, Naruto fled. The _last_ thing he was going to bring Shikamaru would be anything containing caffeine. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a familiar rotund form. Naruto turned to see Chouji sitting down, eyes pointedly observing nothing as he stolidly munched on a bag of chips.

Naruto drifted towards that pocket of normality and sat down next to the Akimichi boy without asking if it was okay. "Chouji! You alright?" he asked.

Chouji responded with an unenthusiastic, "Oh…hey Naruto," before going back to his chips.

Naruto had never paid heed to subtle social queues. "Do you have any idea what's going on?" he asked.

The large (fat, really) boy shrugged.

Naruto sighed. "C'mon man, this is crazier than anything _I've_ ever done. I mean, look at the place! Everyone's a wreck. Except you. You're doing fine. What gives?"

Chouji slowly chewed, and Naruto waited for his answer. "Well," the Akimichi finally answered, "My sensei is nice."

It took a minute for that to click in Naruto's head. "Are you saying…are you saying that everybody's _sensei_ did this to them?"

Chouji nodded.

"…holy hell. And I thought mine was bad. She just drew these on my face – " he waved at the penises "-and threw me through a few screen doors."

"I wasn't going to ask."

Naruto grinned at Chouji's tactful admission. Seriously, Chouji was awesome. Calm, quiet, nice. A perfect accompaniment to his usual best-friend, Shikamaru. Speaking of which…

"Hey, have you seen Shikamaru?"

Chouji frowned, and appeared slightly more interested in the conversation. "No, why?"

"I think he's about to stroke out."

"What!"

"He said his sensei tricked him into drinking a ton of energy drinks. He's like…autistic or something now."

Chouji's eyes narrowed. "Sweating? Shaking? Confusion?"

Naruto blinked at the sudden questioning. "I dunno about confusion, but he was sorta scattered – wasn't focusing on anything for more than a few seconds."

Chouji set his chips aside uneaten, then stood up and said, "Show me."

It took Naruto a minute to get his eyes off of the uneaten food. When he did, he looked up into determined eyes that looked completely out of place in Chouji's normally jovial face. "Y-yeah, he was over this way…" he started, pointing back the way he'd come. Then he suited word to action and started looking for Shikamaru.

They found the Nara boy lying on his back, arms outstretched to his sides as he stared at the ceiling, eyes flicking back and forth rapidly. Chouji looked at him for a moment before nodding.

"Oi, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru's head whipped around, and a huge grin spread on his face as soon as he saw Chouji. "Chouji! Where ya been. I've been counting ceiling tiles. Do you think the construction workers will show up soon?"

"Would you like a chocolate candy?" Chouji asked, holding out what looked like a large chocolate egg. Naruto had no idea where he'd gotten the thing.

The apparent non-sequitur didn't phase Shikamaru in the slightest. He leaned back, flexed, and leapt to his feet like a true martial artist, then lunged out and snagged the proffered foodstuff. He popped it into his mouth without a second thought. He chewed twice, started to swallow, and then immediately began to gag.

"Bchthgh!" he spat, tiny flecks of black ash spewing from his mouth. "What did you _give_ me?" He was still talking fast, but he was pausing to spit between individual words. He started clawing at his tongue, which was black.

Chouji nodded to himself, satisfied. "You'll be fine in a little bit." He reached into a pocket on the inside of his jacket and pulled out a small canteen. "Here, drink some water to wash the taste out."

Shikamaru took the canteen with a small hint of trepidation, sniffing the lid to see if he could detect any more foul substances within, but he apparently found nothing wrong with it and took a small sip. Naruto turned to Chouji.

"What _was_ that?"

"Mostly activated charcoal. General purpose antidote for non-acidic poisons – he'd gotten a big caffeine overdose. It's also got a trace compound to speed up its circulation through his system - it'll absorb most of the caffeine in a few minutes. There's a few other things in it too."

Naruto blinked owlishly for what seemed like the tenth time since he'd gotten back to school. "…and you carry it around with you why?"

"I'm an Akimichi," Chouji answered, as if that explained anything. He must have caught Naruto's blank look, because he expanded, "Our clan specializes in techniques that are related to food. Poisons, antidotes, medicinal herbs, painkillers, things like that. I have to carry it in case I mess up; it's supposed to be for me."

"…wooooah," Naruto answered brilliantly.

The two shared a companionable silence as Shikamaru finished off the canteen. He handed it back to Chouji, though he continued to grimace and swallow. "Thanks, I think."

"So…now what?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru ground the palm of his heel against his forehead and glared at the room through one eye. "What do you mean 'now what'?"

Naruto shifted uncomfortably. "Well…there has to be _something_ we can do. I mean, look at everybody. They're about an inch from killing something."

The Nara boy sighed. Chouji pulled out another bag of chips and continued munching, content to side with whatever Shikamaru decided on.

"And we should offer ourselves up as this something?"

Naruto set his jaw stubbornly.

"Fine, fine. God my head hurts," he groaned. "We've got, what, thirty minutes before the construction crew shows? And 27 other genin to deal with before then. First, we need more people. So we start with people who can go out and help their friends…" Shikamaru thought aloud. "Mmmm. Where's Ino? She took that one medic class."

Chouji gestured towards the stairs that led up to the auditorium stage. Ino was sitting on the steps, her head in her hands.

"Anybody know what her sensei did?"

"She's got a pig nose," Naruto answered.

Shikamaru winced. She was so touchy about that stupid joke. "Right…I'll go talk to her. Naruto, you go find Kiba. Chouji…come with me."

Naruto nodded. He'd never been good friends with Ino, but she'd probably get along well with Chouji and Shikamaru, both of whom she'd known since she was a little kid.

Kiba, as usual, wasn't hard to find. Unusually, his dog was attacking his pant leg. The Inuzuka boy brightened a bit when he saw Naruto. "Ah, the prankster appears at last! How's the glorious ninja life treating you?"

Naruto grinned a bit and stroked his cheeks as if he had a beard. "I'm getting the shaft. You?"

Kiba chuckled at the pun, but gestured at Akamaru. "I was drenched in cat piss. Akamaru's trying to eat my pants to get rid of the smell."

"Ooooh. Sucks," Naruto commented, taking a seat next to his friend. "Could be worse. Shikamaru's sensei poisoned him."

"No shit?" Kiba asked laconically.

"Would I lie?" Naruto took an expression of wounded innocence. "Caffeine overdose. Imagine Shikamaru as a hyperactive autistic kid. Was scary. But anyway, you're doing fine?"

Kiba shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, I kinda remember my sister whining about getting hazed when she made genin, but I didn't think it would be _this_ bad."

"Wanna help me with something?"

"Sure. I'm getting kinda bored."

"Me, Shikamaru and Chouji are going around seeing if anyone needs help. Most of this doesn't look like it's anything but embarrassing, but…" Naruto shrugged. "Then again, Shikamaru got poisoned."

Kiba grimaced. "Ehhh. Not really what I had in mind."

"C'mon. You know all the guys, and I'm sure *somebody* has a spare pair of pants they forgot in a locker around here somewhere."

"I guess. C'mon Akamaru, let's go save everybody from their evil sensei."

Naruto drifted around the room for a few minutes, asking people if they needed anything, but for the most part everyone was just pissed and embarrassed. The very fact that someone was asking after them and making light of their own predicament – Naruto made the "shaft" joke at least three more times – seemed to be all they needed to shake off the worst of the funk.

Still, some of the genin had been affected by various ninjutsu. Sakura-chan was _pretty_ sure that the effects would fade in a few hours, but that was cold comfort for Ino and…whats-her-name. Hinata! That's it.

The genin had clustered down by the auditorium stage in a rough circle. Naruto sat on the stage, idly swinging his legs.

"So, ninja are evil," Sakura commented. Her hair had been shaved back an inch, further drawing attention to her forehead. "Anybody got a hat?"

Nobody answered.

Sakura growled. "Gah! We're supposed to be ninja now! Do we still have to put up with…stuff like this!"

Naruto had the distinct impression that Sakura had been about to use a less ladylike word than "stuff." But then, she had a point. They were ninja now; did they _really_ have to deal with bullying?

…wait a second, they were _ninja._

He formed a handseal and called out, "Oiroke no Jutsu!" The cry and the poof of smoke pulled everyone's attention to Naruto. He grinned and waggled female eyebrows. The class rolled their eyes in disgust, partly at Naruto, mostly at themselves.

"…the idiot had a good idea," Sasuke said aloud, voice filled with mock amazement. "Will wonders never cease? Still…" he formed a hand seal. After all, he had no interest in his bright-blonde hair or the words "SUPER SAIYAN" written on his forehead. "Henge!"

Naruto looked at Sasuke and blinked in surprise. "Oh. Yeah. Henge!" He assumed his "normal" form. "I guess you could just turn back into yourself."

Sasuke sighed. "Nevermind. False alarm people."

The byplay was mostly ignored as the genin used their limited knowledge of ninjutsu to cancel out the efforts of their various sensei.

No sooner had the last smoke cloud cleared than the auditorium doors boomed open. A man who fit Iruka's unflattering description of Tazuna walked in. He fisted his hands on his hips and scowled at the group. "Oi! Ninja brats! C'mon, I've got a schedule to stick to here!"

The newly minted genin all turned and looked to each other, then simultaneously nodded. Vengeance could wait. For now…they had a job to do. A relatively pointless, menial, demeaning job, but a _shinobi_ job. And they would do it.

And then their sensei would rue the day.


	4. Chapter Three: A Plan Is Made

**Three Minutes to Midnight**

**Author's Notes: **I'm only writing this because of the sheeple.

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Naruto, and am in danger of running out of humorous little anecdotes to add to that statement. Maybe I'm losing my touch.

**The Time Is Now 11:57**

**Chapter Three: In Which A Plan Is Made**

The genin walked up to Tazuna in a fashion that did not even vaguely resemble a cohesive formation. The Ninja Academy had mostly pointed and laughed at Drill and Ceremony.

Tazuna frowned at the genin, but otherwise made no comment on their…unique appearances. "Right. I've got people working on restoring rooms 117 through 127 today. They shouldn't be outside that hallway; we'll be bringing materials in and out through one of the holes in the exterior walls." The old man refrained from asking on just how the hole had gotten there. Ninja Academy, right? Filled with weird people. He continued, "We'll be working for the next six hours without stopping. Same deal every day until we get _everything_done, which should be in two weeks. I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of the way as much as possible. If you need me, I'll be in room 122. Questions?"

The group shuffled indecisively before a scattering of people shook their heads.

"Right. Pleasure to work with Konoha shinobi and all that," Tazuna said with a dismissive wave. He turned and left, eager to get back to his workers. The ninja guards weren't _his_responsibility.

Once he'd left, Naruto scratched the back of his head in idle confusion. "So. Uh. Guarding construction workers."

"Dibs on the library," Sakura answered.

There was one second of silence as everyone realized what had just happened. Exactly one.

And then there was a cacophony of people yelling out places and calling dibs and before Naruto could do more than blink, there were four groups of two genin, each heading off to their own self-assigned guard post.

"So. I'll uh, I'll…patrol. Yeah…" he said to the empty room.

He looked down at his shoes and allowed himself one sigh. Then he squared his shoulders and walked out to face his adoring and oh-so-attentive public.

The public, as Naruto quickly learned, was not interested or interesting. The construction workers were tolerant of his presence, but he got the distinct impression that they'd rather he go "play ninja" somewhere else.

No respect, no respect I tell ya.

So he'd headed over to the various guard posts. Shikamaru and Chouji had taken the teacher's lounge, and the former was soundly asleep. Chouji was raiding the last of the lounge's fridge, and he looked up guiltily when Naruto entered the room. His silence was easily bought with a somewhat stale doughnut, and the two ate in companionable silence. It started to get sort of awkward after that; Chouji and Naruto were mostly friends by proxy of Shikamaru. So he dusted off his jacket and headed off to the library.

He walked in on a staring contest between Ino and Sakura, and the two immediately turned the combined weight of their glares on him the second he entered. Naruto pivoted one-eighty on his forward foot and walked out without missing a beat.

Kiba and Hinata were in the records offices, a room Naruto had well acquainted himself with over the years. School officials had tended to make the silliest mistakes on some of his homework. Like giving him a zero for not turning things in! He'd felt no need to bother them whenever he made…corrections.

Hinata was sitting on a bench, humming, her Byakugan activated. She was clearly focused on something, and she had a faint little smile on her face. And she was sitting in the records room. Hmmm. Now, there was nothing for a _good_little shinobi to be paying that close attention to in here.

He decided that Hinata was slightly cooler than he'd thought. Nobody who would spy on records that openly could be completely bad. She was still pretty damn creepy though.

She gave a little start when he called her name, and her face lit up bright red. Hah, should have been more discreet if you're going to get embarrassed about something like that.

"H-h-hello N-Naruto-kun."

"How's it going?" He looked around for a bit on his tip-toes. "And where's Kiba?"

"K-Kiba-kun went to th-the restroom. Washing his c-clothes. And th-there's nothing in-interesting h-hap-happening h-here."

Naruto grinned and waggled his eyebrows, then winked at her. "I'm sure. I'll leave you to your…Byakugan practice, then."

She meeped and covered the ever-deepening red of her face with her hands.

Naruto waved goodbye and hurried off to check on the armory. It was the _armory_after all. There was tons of cool explodey things and stuff in there, right?

As with most of life, the armory was a disappointment. The only door into it, made of the same thick metal as the surrounding walls, was closed and thoroughly locked. Sasuke was in the adjacent hallway, leaning against opposite walls in their own variations on the "I'm cool but bored" pose.

Naruto resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Seriously, Sasuke was annoying. He'd come headfirst out of some woman's vagina, bawling his eyes out just like everybody else. You'd never be able to tell by the way he acted, though. Arrogant prick.

This evaluation had nothing whatsoever to do with Sasuke's popularity, large female following, success in the ninja arts, or the sneaking suspicion that maybe a tiny tiny portion of that arrogance was well deserved.

Absolutely _nothing._

He made a half-hearted attempt to start a conversation, but it was a lot like trying to start up a fire using only a slab of concrete and your face.

Naruto abandoned the attempt after about half a minute and went back to wandering the halls. He amused himself for about an hour or two with some leftover chalk in one of the classrooms, but eventually even that paled. After another hour of boredom, he finally gave up and went to see what the construction workers were doing. At least it would be interesting to watch.

And they were gone. Everything had been neatly set down, in what was clearly an organized fashion, but nobody was there. It was somewhat dark out, so they'd probably left for the night. He frowned. The least they could have done was said something. Oh well, he'd go tell the others.

The others were gone as well.

His eye twitched with suppressed rage.

Oh come ON! They couldn't be bothered to tell _him?_The construction people he could understand, but his fellow ninja! Bastards. Every single one.

Naruto kicked a wall, hard. It stubbed his toe and it would be yet another thing the construction people would have to fix, but, dammit! What the hell. Bastards. They really should have told him.

His shoulders slumped and he sighed. There would be hell to pay over this. Seriously, where had that unity gone? The united purpose of getting back at their sensei, melted away in about six minutes. Worthless.

The walk back to his apartment was fairly uneventful. A few people had heard about the penis thing, but mostly they just got strange looks when they yelled about it.

Naruto opened the door to his apartment and shucked his shoes on a mat inside. He was angry, and hungry, but most of all he was tired. The bruises he'd gotten at the beginning of the day had started to fade, but they were still tender. He hung his jacket on a chair in the kitchenette and gingerly prodded one of the dark brown marks on his shoulder. It sent a small twinge of pain along the entire arm, and he winced. That woman hit _hard_. He untied the knot to his hitai-ate and draped it over the jacket, admiring briefly the shining symbol of Konoha. Then he unclipped his kunai pouch and dropped it into the seat before turning to look at the fridge, contemplating.

He knew that there was some milk, cheese, and peanut butter in there, but he didn't have bread. There were some cups of instant ramen in the cupboard, but…ramen was for better days. No ramen should be wasted on a foul mood; he wouldn't be able to enjoy it as it deserved. He had a box of cookies in the pantry, but that would be a terrible dinner.

Naruto shrugged. He'd just wake up a bit early and get something at Ichiraku's in the morning, once he felt a bit better.

With that happy plan in mind, he headed to bed. He didn't bother to change into his pajamas, but he still grabbed his frog nightcap and plopped it on his head.

It would just feel weird sleeping without it.

It was 4:33 AM when Naruto woke up. Or 0433, as his instructors had always tried to get him to call it. Normally Naruto didn't focus very hard on the time, but the fact remained that he was awake and his alarm wasn't scheduled to go off for another four hours. The construction workers wouldn't show up until noon.

So why was he awake?

A clatter of plates came from the kitchen.

Oh. That was what woke him up. Somebody was in his apartment.

Well, that explained that. He rolled over and closed his eyes so he could go back to sleep.

_'Wait, shit, people aren't supposed to be in other people's apartments in the middle of the night. Right? That's one of those things Iruka-sensei kept telling me; something about baking and hindering. But I don't have an oven…'_

A familiar scent wafted into his room, and Naruto's eyes shot wide open. The ramen was in the kitchen!

Naruto threw off the covers and rolled out of bed, landing crouched on the balls of his feet. He dashed out of the bedroom door, sprinting the twenty feet that separated his room and the kitchen. He skidded to a halt in front of the open door, grabbing the frame with one hand to help.

The scene that greeted him was one taken straight from his worst nightmares. Empty bowls of instant ramen littered the floor. Broth had already begun to stain his tablecloth. The refrigerator door was ajar, and the pantry was empty.

And Mitarashi Anko was sitting in his only chair, drinking the last of his milk. The box of cookies lay on the table next to her, empty. It had been ripped open carelessly; the cheery little elf mascot had been torn in half.

He pointed at her and glared. "You," he said, "Are not Santa Claus."

Anko belched, and then snorted her contempt for Naruto. "And a good thing, too. You'd probably have killed the old man; your food is terrible."

"But…you…my ramen…" Naruto began. His lower lip began to tremble. Precious ramen…all gone? "You ate it all."

"Nah," Anko answered, shaking her head. "Dumped most of it down the drain. Unrelated note: your garbage disposal is clogged."

By the time she'd finished the sentence he was halfway over the table, fingers twisted into claws and reaching for her throat. Anko merely grabbed his hands and fell backwards, destroying the chair in the process. Then she planted a foot in his stomach and heaved, launching him against the wall.

Specifically, launching him against the section of the wall that had a window. It was, quite thankfully, already open. Unfortunately, Anko's aim was slightly off, and Naruto clipped the window frame on the way out.

His apartment was three stories up.

The fall hurt.

Naruto focused on that for a while.

Then he saw Anko's feet approaching from out of the darkness of the unlit street, shin guards clacking metallically. She stopped just inside the pool of illumination provided by the light shining out of his kitchen. This was the part where he was supposed to roll to his feet and fire off a one liner.

He sort of twitched, but stayed on the ground. "Ukgh…" he moaned.

The delivery could, perhaps, use work.

Anko squatted down next to him, frowning. Without a word, she rolled him onto his side, which also hurt. Naruto hissed in pain. Then she put her hand on his abdomen and squeezed his ribs.

"Ow," he muttered. Steadily climbing that ladder towards real words!

Anko nodded to herself. "Well, nothing's broken. But that's going to turn a lovely shade of yellow in a bit. You should be more careful."

Naruto devoted all of his mental faculties towards willing Anko to death.

She cocked her head to the side. "It's moments like this where I get confused about you, kid." Naruto continued to glare, and she sighed. "You're giving off killing intent that would put most of your peers to shame, but you're not actually doing anything with it. You live in a shithole, but take great care of your plants. You've got motivational posters everywhere, but you barely showed up to the Ninja Academy. When you did you tested poorly, but always managed spurts of excellence whenever you needed to pass. Kid, I just don't _get_you."

The pain had faded enough that Naruto managed to sit up, coughing as he did so. Each cough sent lances of pain through his ribs, which made it harder to breathe, which made him gasp and cough…it was a full minute before the fit subsided. When it did, he glared at Anko, though this time it was weaker and more sullen. She met his eyes without a word, and Naruto looked away first.

"You wouldn't understand," he muttered.

Anko grabbed the front of his shirt with her left hand. The right impacted with Naruto's cheek in an open-palmed slap that rang throughout the empty, unlit street. Then she yanked on the shirt and pulled his face up to hers until their noses almost touched.

"Wrong. Fucking. Answer," she hissed, eyes narrow.

Naruto pushed her away, and she let him. He tried to plant his feet, but he was still dazed from the fall and ended up on his ass. Then he slammed his fist against the ground and started yelling at her. "God dammit, what do you want to hear? That I'm an idiot, or lazy, or unreliable? Because you've clearly made up your mind, just like everyone else. And you know what? I don't care what you think! I'm going to be a ninja!"

Anko rolled her eyes. "Brat, I call you those things because _that's the way you act_. The civilians may hate you because of your mother, but you earned my contempt all on your own."

He balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth, but Naruto's eyes were downcast. "It's not fair," he whispered.

"Life's not fair."

Naruto shrugged a bit, self-consciously. "I…I've just always wanted…" his voice trailed off.

Anko's expression soured. "You just wanted… what? Fame? Love? Is that what that hitai-ate means to you? Do you _seriously_think you'll get that by being a ninja?" She spat the words out as if they left a bad taste in her mouth.

"No," he whispered. Naruto looked up, and his jaw was trembling, his throat was quivering, and his eyes shone with barely-in-check emotion. "I want to stand on my own. I want to completely _destroy_ the image that they have of me, like it never was. I don't care if they hate me, as long as they hate _me_."

Anko sighed and squatted down until she was at eye level with him. "And you think you can get them to overcome that stigma, the thing that defines you in their minds, by doing…what, exactly? Being loud? Wearing something insane? Screaming your own name at the top of your lungs and getting in everyone's face?" She shook her head slowly, keeping eye contact all the while. "You're just digging a deeper hole with every wasted scream for attention. They still hate you for reminding them of her. And you've backed yourself into a corner to the point that there's only one way to change that: you've got to be so good at what you do that they can't ignore you. As opposed to a loud-mouthed brat, which is honestly all anyone expects out of you."

Naruto glared at her and repeated the oath that had become a mantra: "I will surpass every Hokage that has come before me."

"Well you're off to a stellar fucking start, kiddo. You have no fighting skills to speak of, the book smarts of a six year old, and the social grace of a wet shit."

He lunged at her, exploding forward with all the power his crouching position allowed him. Anko simply batted his fist aside with one hand and backhanded him in his bruised ribs with the other.

The pain was excruciating, but he gasped out, "Fuck you."

She snorted her disdain. "Your comebacks could also use work."

He slowly rose to one knee, propping himself up with one arm while the other clutched at his ribs. "You're supposed to be my sensei," he said accusingly.

Anko nodded. "I did draw that particular short straw."

"So why don't you _help_me, dammit?"

"Because that's not how this works," she answered. "Well. That's not how _I_think it should work…in my day, we had teams of genin under one sensei…"

"'In my day'?" Naruto interrupted. "Now you sound almost as ancient as you look, hag."

Her kick hit him right in the sternum, putting him on his back for what felt like the twentieth time that morning, but Naruto's vicious grin hardly wavered.

Anko raised one eyebrow at him. "I suppose that was a better comeback. But, as I was saying before – I'm just here to teach you what it means to be shinobi."

"You suck at it."

"No, you're just dense. You want to be Hokage? Then do it; don't just whine about it. But the Hokage has always been more than just the strongest in the village. He's the smartest, the best leader, the undisputed _best_ninja of his time. They had mentors to guide them, but they got to wear the Fire hat because they taught themselves. They pushed ahead on their own, and every one of them was at least a chuunin by the time they were your age." She rolled her eyes at Naruto's confused look. "I'm not here to shower you with jutsu I've killed and worse to learn just because I got assigned to be your sensei. Right now I'm just here to get you to start doing it on your own. And until you start to unfuck yourself? That's all you'll get from me."

Naruto slowly got to his feet, one hand on his ribs. "The Hokage were all chuunin by the time they were twelve?"

"They were at _least_chuunin level ninja by twelve," Anko corrected.

He glared at her. "Then I'll become one in a week."

"…a chuunin level ninja?"

Naruto nodded.

Anko howled with laughter for three minutes. When she finally regained her composure, half the houses on the street had turned on their lights. "Kid, you crack me up. Tell you what. I'll give you a month. At the end of the month, if you've done it? I'll admit you have what it takes to be Hokage. But if you fail…you give up on being a ninja. Forever."

"I'll do it," Naruto answered. There was absolutely no hint of hesitation in his voice.

Anko chuckled to herself as she turned and walked away. "Whatever, kid."

Naruto clenched his fist, feeling his fingernails dig into his palms. He'd show her.

But first, he needed to figure out what a chuunin was.

Naruto arrived at the Ninja Academy twenty minutes ahead of time, clad in his favorite outfit and having come straight from a lunch of Ichiraku Ramen. He still had absolutely no food at his house, limited funds to acquire new things, and his ribs shot pain up and down his entire body every time he moved. But still! From Anko at four in the morning to Ichiraku by noon, the day was definitely looking up.

He went to the auditorium first. Iruka-sensei hadn't been at the entrance like yesterday, but they were probably meeting in the same place.

The auditorium was empty, save for a half dozen students – no, genin, like him – whose names he didn't remember. But lo, there by herself sat a shining beacon of feminine beauty. Not even the cruel damage to her gorgeous, flowing pink hair could detract from her appearance. She'd put her hitai-ate directly over the shaved patch, and it had a remarkable effect on muting the damage. Well, not really, it was kind of like a bad comb-over, but still!

Naruto bounded over to her, practically bouncing with enthusiasm. "Good morning Sakura-chaaaan," he called out.

Such was Sakura's depression that her only reaction was to slouch deeper into her seat and cover her eyes with one hand. When she heard him stop approaching (just enough inside her personal space to be irritating), she moved her hand up and started massaging her temples with it. "No I will not go out with you," she said.

Naruto pouted, genuinely put out. Pre-emptive strikes were vicious. "Aww. But, honestly, I wanted to ask you something else."

Despite herself, Sakura looked up at Naruto. Requests for a date and compliments had comprised approximately 93.7% of words spoken to her by Naruto over the past two years, so this was somewhat surprising. (She'd made a comprehensive graph, complete with trendlines and statistical analysis of _exactly_how annoying he was for a project in her statistics course a few months ago. Naruto skipped class the day of the presentation, and therefore missed the conclusion that she would never go out with him. Her results were statistically significant at the 0.05% level.)

Taking Sakura's lack of disgusted acclamation as a signal to go ahead, Naruto asked, "Um…what's a chuunin?"

Sakura went right back to massaging her temples. He had a terrible sense of humor.

Naruto waited expectantly.

She looked up and saw only innocent curiosity in his expression. "Oh god you're not kidding," she muttered.

"Well you're the smartest person in our class. I figured you'd know," Naruto answered.

Mmm. Well, literally _anyone_in the class could have told him, but the comment still pleased her. Still, this was somewhat ridiculous. "Naruto, everybody should know what a chuunin is. Seriously, how did you graduate without knowing stuff like this?"

They both knew the answer – the tests were multiple choice, and Naruto had managed to make up for his abysmal written exams and scrape together a passing grade with a handful of perfects on the practicals.

Naruto scuffed his feet against the carpet. He always felt kind of stupid when Sakura talked about stuff he didn't know like he was the _only_one who didn't know – especially when it was probably true.

Sakura sighed in exasperation. "Fine, I'll tell you. But only because you're going to make us look bad if people realize you're that stupid. Seriously, you should check out the library sometime. They'll have a book for just about every question you might have."

"Thanks, Sakura-chan!" Naruto enthused. She was talking to him! And telling him what he wanted, instead of just yelling! Awesome day is _awesome_.

Sakura shook her head to herself. God, it was like kicking a puppy. An ugly, very stupid puppy, but a puppy nonetheless. "Chuunin are ninja who are qualified to guide other ninja and lead missions," she answered, slowly warming up into a textbook-like instructive tone. "Chuunin have reached a level of maturity and ability that primarily consists of leadership skills and tactical prowess. Genin who do not have the skills to become chuunin are weeded out in the chuunin exams. Some of them, like Iruka-sensei and Suzume-sensei move on to function as Academy teachers. Others serve as team leaders in charge of small teams who need to make decisions and utilize the skills of the shinobi under their command to the maximum effect. Chuunin are typically sent on C-rank or B-rank missions.

To become a chūnin, a genin participates in a large examination, known as the 'Chuunin Exams.' The only exam seen in the series is a three-stage exam held in Konohagakure. Those who pass the test and become chuunin are eligible to wear an identifying flak jacket that holds ninjutsu scrolls. This vest is not mandatory; instead, some opt for more elaborate clothing like capes and robes."

Naruto just sort of blinked, a glazed look in his eyes. When he realized she'd stopped, he asked, "…did you memorize that from a textbook?"

"No," Sakura answered.  
She just reads the Narutopedia.

There was a long moment of silence.

"You have no idea what I just said, do you?"

"Um."

Sakura threw her hands in the air. "Gah. I'll use smaller words this time. There are three basic ranks of ninja. Genin, Chuunin, and Jounin. We're genin. We do low-risk missions and community service – things like maintaining the Hokage Monument or watching the construction workers here at the Academy. Chuunin are more experienced and skilled ninja. They have more advanced jutsu and lead teams on more difficult missions, like bodyguard duty outside the village, hunting dangerous animals, and sometimes even spying on people or assassinating them," she explained. Then she expanded, "Or they do administrative work that requires a higher security clearance."

Naruto ignored that last sentence. "So they've got all kinds of cool jutsu and do awesome stuff! What do I have to do to be one?"

"Well, every six months there's a Chuunin Exam held to determine who gets promoted."

"So…if I pass the Chuunin Exam, I become a chuunin?"

"That…would be definitional," she replied. At his blank look, she clarified, "Yes, you would be a chuunin."

"So when's the next exam?"

"Three months from now, in Suna," she answered without hesitation. "Then six months after that, Konoha will host one."

"…crapcrapcrap," Naruto muttered.

Sakura frowned. As fun as it was to show off how much she knew to the dunce, there was also the small problem that she was actually _talking_to him. Still, he was at an all-time low as far as annoying went. "Why are you asking about chuunin?" she asked suspiciously. He was probably looking for some harebrained shortcut to start doing "real" missions.

"Um. No reason, hahaha!" Naruto said, far too loudly, and the laugh was an obvious fake. "Our sensei sure are dicks, huh?"

The change of subject couldn't have been more obvious if he'd tried. Sakura rolled her eyes. "You know, you don't have to keep making that pun."

Naruto looked at her in bewilderment. "What are you talking abo…oh. They're still on my face, aren't they."

Sakura nodded.

He brought his hands together and called out, "Henge!" transforming into a version of himself without penises on his face. He'd kind of forgotten about that, what with the thing that morning. Then he scratched the back of his head in confusion. "So…why aren't you using Henge?"

She crossed her arms and huffed. "I can't keep it up all day."

"Oh." There was a lull in the conversation, and Naruto realized that this was far and away the longest conversation he'd ever had with Sakura. "So, uh," he began, searching for something to keep the exchange going. "Has your sensei done anything since yesterday? Mine broke into my house, ate almost all of my food, destroyed what she didn't eat, and then threw me out of a third story window."

"…what," Sakura replied, eyes wide. "That's vicious. Mine hasn't done anything since…since yesterday. He said that a real shinobi didn't care about appearances, only results. Jerk. But besides that, I haven't seen him – "

"Good morning, Sakura-san!" came an overly loud, cheerful call from the entrance to the auditorium. In the auditorium, which had been slowly filling with freshly minted genin still traumatized by the events of the day before, the upbeat voice stood out like a poodle at a biker bar.

Sakura looked up, and the color leeched out of her face. Naruto turned, not recognizing the newcomer's voice.

The man was clearly the oldest person in the room, and stood at least a foot taller than Naruto. He wore glasses and his gray hair had been pulled into a ponytail, but his face and voice showed no signs of old age. If Naruto'd had to guess, he'd say the man was somewhere in his twenties. He had a rather large bag held in one arm.

And he was coming this way.

The man bowed in Naruto's direction when he arrived. Naruto sort of waved back awkwardly.

"Allow me to introduce myself," the man said. "My name is Yakushi Kabuto, and I'm Sakura-san's sensei." His gaze drifted from Naruto to Sakura, then back. "Are you the young man she seems to be so deeply in love with?"

"Um…" he began awkwardly.

"No!" Sakura shrieked.

"Ah, young love," Kabuto enthused. "So wonderful to behold. You kids be careful now. Speaking of which…" his voice trailed off as he reached into his bag. He pulled out a box roughly the size of Naruto's hand. It was labeled, "_**Jounin-Brand Condoms**_" in big bold letters. Beneath it was the slogan, "_Strong and Stealthy_."

Sakura's face immediately flushed a deeper red than her dress.

Kabuto dropped the box back in the bag. "There's a few more in there, just in case. Along with some other things you might need, someday. Maybe. Pads and the like. Anyway, here you go," he said, dropping it into her lap. Sakura didn't move. Kabuto smiled "Well, I've got some of my own business to attend to. You kids have a good day!" He gave a jaunty wave and strolled off, whistling cheerily to himself.

The entire auditorium was staring at Naruto and Sakura.

"Sakura…what's he talking about?" Naruto asked.

She was thoroughly embarrassed and more than a little angry. She looked up and saw Sasuke in the sea of faces turned her way. She leapt to her feet and shoved Naruto away from her as hard as she could, sending him tumbling over the next row of seats. The bag fell from her lap and scattered its contents across the floor. Her blush deepened.

"Gah! This is your fault, Naruto!" she screamed.

He had no idea what he'd done, but he wasn't stupid enough to question it. "Sorry, Sakura-chan!" he said, holding his hands up in a warding gesture while backing away.

Darn. That had been going really well.

But he'd learned what a chuunin was! They were skilled ninja, who knew jutsu way cooler than Bunshin no Jutsu or Henge. They also got _real_ninja missions.

So all he had to do was learn some awesome techniques and then kick all sorts of ass on a cool mission.

How hard could that be?


	5. Chapter Four: Bees Get Organized

**Three Minutes to Midnight**

**Author's Notes:** Big shout out to the sheeple, without whom this chapter would not have been possible. He's also the reason I finally had to bump this fic up to an "M" rating on FFNet to cover the language. You're terrible at this Mormon thing, bud. Also thanks to Nugar, for making me cut something that sucked.

Trimmed back on the white text; there shouldn't be any in the actual fic any more. [Edit: Fixed. Copy-pasted an older version with white-text the first time. And there's actually still one line of white-text in the fic.]  
Haters gonna haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, but I do have rice balls.

**The Time is Now 11:58**

**Chapter Four: In Which Bees Get Organized**  
I'm not the only one who's seen that Random Encounter Table, right?

Naruto stretched his arms above his head, trying to keep his bruised ribs from tightening up. So far it didn't really seem to be helping, but the construction workers weren't scheduled to show up for another ten minutes and he was bored. Much as he'd like to try and apologize to Sakura for…whatever he'd done, he knew from experience that it would be a wasted effort.

His eyes drifted over the assembled genin – it looked like just about everyone was here. Most were huddled into little groups, complaining loudly about their sensei. He spotted Chouji sitting next to Shikamaru, eating chips without a care in the world. Shikamaru was passed out next to him, dark circles visible under his closed eyes.

Naruto moseyed over in their direction. Chouji saw him coming, and held out a chip by way of greeting.

"Thanks," Naruto said, popping the snack into his mouth. Mmm. Barbeque.

"Y're w'lcom," Chouji answered around a mouthful of barbequed goodness.

"What happened to him?" Naruto asked, pointing at Shikamaru. "He looks…" Naruto groped for the appropriate words. "Exhausted? Instead of just sleepy, like normal."

"His sensei kept him up all night copying storage seals for her. Said if he was going to sleep the day away he could look forward to working all night, because real ninja don't waste time slacking. Or something; Shikamaru was kind of upset."

"Ouch," Naruto said. "She must have really gotten to him; normally he's chill as all hell."

Chouji nodded.

Naruto frowned. Something still seemed…_off_ to him.

It took him a moment to realize that Chouji looked like he was in a genuinely good mood. Last week, that would have been a given, but…everyone in the auditorium looked miserable. Except for Chouji.

Naruto scratched his head, trying to put his finger on just what was wrong with this picture. "Say, Chouji…did your sensei pull a prank on you or anything? Everyone else's sensei's done _something_, but you seem fine."

Chouji shook his head and swallowed before answering. "Nah. Asuma-sensei's a really nice guy! He took me out for lunch."

"…and nothing bad happened?"

"Well, the steak sauce bottle was empty, but that was it," Chouji answered. "Asuma-sensei even paid for everything."

Naruto shook his head in disbelief. "That's…kind of awesome, really. You got lucky. Everybody else's sensei are a bunch of dicks."

Chouji nodded and tossed another handful of chips into his mouth. "Yup," he mumbled. "Still remember the first thing he said to me…"

-**Yesterday Afternoon**-

"You kind of stand out in a crowd, kid," Asuma commented. Somehow the lit cigarette in his mouth barely moved, though the jounin had made no effort to steady it during his speech.

Chouji took the comment at face value and nodded, opening another bag of chips as he did so. Civilians had been giving him a respectful distance and a few appreciative nods ever since he started wearing his hitai-ate.

Asuma smirked at the sight of the bag. "You sure do eat a lot, don't you?"

"My mother says nutrition is important for growing ninja," Chouji said defensively.

"You certainly look like you're getting enough nutrition," Asuma said, chuckling a bit. "How's about we go for lunch? I get the feeling you're not much for missing meals."

Chouji nodded suspiciously. Missing meals was notoriously bad for your blood sugar. "Lunch sounds great," he said slowly.

"I'm sure it does, big guy."

"There's a great okonomiyaki place down the street," Chouji said as he crumpled his now-empty bag of chips into a ball and placed it in a pocket. It sounded almost like Asuma-sensei was calling him fat…but no; that was silly. Jounin were above petty things like that.

Asuma agreed that this was an excellent idea for a healthy lunch, and the two kept up a genial conversation as they went to get seats. Placing their orders took a few minutes.

"Don't worry about the bill; I'll pick it up," Asuma told Chouji. "I'm sure a kid like you doesn't eat that much anyway."

Chouji's expression brightened somewhat at the encouragement. "Thanks, sensei!"

The newly minted genin had finished his fourth helping of okonomiyaki, and reluctantly pushed the menu away. It would probably be rude to stretch his sensei's generosity too much. So far, this genin thing was going great. His dad had warned him that the sensei liked to pull pranks and haze their students, but Asuma-sensei seemed like a great guy.

Noticing his student's obvious desire for more food, Asuma gestured mock encouragingly. "No, no, don't feel like you have to stop just because you've eaten enough for three adults. Seriously kid, your weight's not an issue." The sarcasm was laid on thicker than Chouji's stomach, and it made a whistling noise as it sailed over the rotund boy's head. "Only civilians care about things like that."

Chouji's brow furrowed. "You know sensei…I think you're right. I guess I am a bit sensitive about my weight, but I do need it for my clan techniques. Nobody outside my family has ever said that to me. But you're right. It's a silly thing to worry about. Thanks for the support."

Asuma's jaw went slack for a minute, the burnt out butt of his cigarette falling into his lap. Then he burst into a deep, rolling belly laugh that filled the entire restaurant.

"Alright kid, you pass. I've got nothing," he said, wiping a tear from his eye. "I think I like you." He reached out and ruffled Chouji's hair, and when the bill came, he did his best to not show his dismay.

But seriously, being sensitive about his weight was literally the only complaint about the Akimichi in his file. Other than that, the boy was supposedly eager, dependable, and an able learner.

"Mmm. Guess I win the pot for getting the first real genin…" he mused to himself. Then he shook his head, breaking the train of thought, and turning his attention back to Chouji. "Once you finish that D-rank at the Ninja Academy we can start real training. Until then...mmm, just stay out of trouble."

Chouji nodded seriously. "Sure thing, Asuma-sensei."

-**The Academy**-

"…wait, he was making jokes about your weight and then just gave up when you said you didn't care?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

Chouji thought about it for a minute. "I guess so."

"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation – you're the only ones who aren't just grumbling," said a voice _right_ behind Naruto.

He jumped a bit in surprise and whirled around. Then he relaxed, scratching his head as he let out a nervous little chuckle.

"Oh…hey there, uh…Shino," Naruto said. He'd never really talked to the taller boy in class; Shino had mostly kept to himself. Naruto couldn't even remember his last name. Truth be told, he'd never really_wanted_ to get to know Shino – the other genin had always been a bit creepy, what with the completely black glasses and the oversized jacket that obscured his face. At least he wasn't wearing that absurd cockroach hat any more…

There was a moment of awkward silence as Naruto and Chouji waited for Shino to elaborate on his initial statement.

"So…" Naruto began. "What did, uh, your sensei do to you?" he finished hopefully. That was probably what Shino had been wanting to talk about? Hell if he knew. If it was, Shino's expression certainly hadn't changed.

"Genma-sensei…provided an object lesson to reinforce his point about the importance of knowing your comrades," Shino explained.

"Um, what?"

Shino didn't sigh, and Naruto couldn't see his expression, but he somehow got the feeling that Shino was frowning.

Then Shino began to explain…

-**Yesterday Afternoon**-  
I am the master of skillful flashbacks.

Shino met his sensei, Shiranui Genma, at an administrative building attached to the Hokage Tower. Genma-sensei was leaning against a shaded wall, rolling a senbon around between his teeth. His flak vest showed signs of obvious wear, and he wore his hitai-ate like a bandanna.

Genma greeted him with a simple, "Yo," his teeth still clutching the senbon.

Shino bowed respectfully. "Good morning, sensei."

"I'm not a fan of formalities, so I'm gonna skip the introductions," Genma began. "I've read your file, so I know you pretty well. And I don't think you need to know too much about me, because I don't see you lasting long as a ninja."

Shino frowned, and his eyebrows furrowed over his sunglasses. "I don't believe I understand your reasoning – I graduated near the top of my class, and am rated Advanced in the use of my clan techniques."

Genma nodded. "Yeah. And you're kind of modest, eh? 'Near the top?' You lost the number one slot to the Uchiha kid by less than two points."

"Exactly. I am capable enough to be genin."

"Tch. Said nothing about whether or not you were good enough to be a genin. Said you wouldn't last long," Genma said laconically.

"Why do you say that?" Shino asked, irritation beginning to creep into his normally calm voice.

"Do you know how well Kiba did?"

Shino blinked at the apparent non-sequitur. "Twentieth out of twenty-seven. Good physical tests, but abysmal written ones."

"Naruto?"

"Twenty-seventh out of twenty-seven. Minimum scores in most fields, though he did surprisingly well on the stealth practical exam." Everybody knew that one.

"Sakura?"

"Sixth out of twenty-seven. Her physical exams were below average due to her frame, though she clearly knows all of the Academy-taught kata. She also had the highest written scores."

Genma nodded. "So you'd say you know your classmates well?"

Shino hesitated. "I studied their performances as a means of comparison for my own."

"But do you _know_ them?" Genma pressed. For the first time since their conversation had begun, he uncrossed his arms and stood up, the senbon in his mouth quirking upwards as he did so.

"As it pertains to our duties as fellow ninja of Konoha, yes," Shino finally answered.

"Does Akamaru have any allergies?"

Shino thought hard for several moments – ah. Kiba's ninja dog. "…I do not know."

"Does Sakura know how to perform tea ceremony?"

"I do not know."

Genma went on in this vein until he'd pointed out something Shino didn't know about every member of his class. Little details, but Shino could easily imagine the relevance if he was planning a mission, or procuring supplies, or dealing with an injury…

"So…" Genma said, drawing the word out as he rolled the senbon to the other side of his mouth. "You are aware that Konoha ninja work in teams, right? I'm not exactly getting a 'team player' vibe from you. If you're going to stand next to these people when the shit hits the fan, you're going to need to trust them. And them, you. But you hold yourself back, and study them like you're some sort of impartial observer."

Shino blinked furiously behind his sunglasses and swallowed, trying to clear away some of his trepidation. "The…nature of my clan techniques makes most people reluctant to interact with me too closely. I do not wish to offend them unnecessarily."

"Ah. So you're a coward to boot."

Shino's glare would have been more effective had it not been blocked by his sunglasses.

"Tell you what. I've got something that should help you out," Genma said as he reached into a large pouch in his vest. He pulled out an absurdly oversized…cockroach plushie? No. No, it was much worse than that. It was a hat. Shaped like a giant cockroach.

He plopped it on Shino's head. One of the antenna was out of place and dangled down in front of Shino's left eye.

"…sensei, I fail to see how this helps anything," he deadpanned.

Genma shrugged. "Well, now you look like you're making fun of yourself. Self-deprecating humor works quite well when you're worried about intimidating someone. Makes you look more approachable."

"This is solely because it looks ridiculous and makes a mockery of me, isn't it," Shino stated.

"Mostly that one," Genma agreed, grinning. "But seriously kid – if you can't deal with people then you're a worthless ninja. We talk to our clients and infiltrate towns a lot more than we actually fight anything."

Shino nodded, somewhat grudgingly.

"Oh, yeah, one more thing," Genma said. "This is important."

"Yes, sensei?"

"If you channel chakra into the hat…it moves."

-**The Academy**-

"…no offense, but why are you telling me?" Naruto asked. "Besides today, you've said two words to me in the past three years."

"I'm sure we've spoken more than that – " Shino began.

Naruto interrupted him. "Your exact words were, 'Where's Iruka-sensei?' I remember freaking out because I'd thought you were mute."

Shino was silent for a moment. "'Where's' is a conjunction, so technically that was three words."

"You're going to argue with me over one word."

Shino nodded. "Excepting today, that constitutes a 50% increase in words spoken to you."

Naruto was silent for a moment, then his lips started twitching. After a few seconds, he burst out laughing. Chouji chuckled along with him, still working on his latest bag of chips.

"Alright, that was funny. But seriously, why tell me?"

Shino licked his lips nervously, well aware that neither boy could see him do so. He'd been serious. But…

"My sensei pointed out a flaw in my behavior: I don't…socialize. When I insisted it wasn't a flaw, he made me wear a cockroach hat." Shino paused. "I do not like wearing a cockroach hat. So I'm…socializing."

Chouji halted in his assault on his snack, one chip held just in front of his mouth. "I…see."

Silence reigned for the next minute.

"I'm bad at it, aren't I?" Shino eventually asked.

Naruto and Chouji nodded.

"Still, way better than Kiba with fleas," Naruto commented.

"Agreed," Chouji mumbled around the last of his chips.

-

The group meeting with Tazuna went roughly the same as the previous day, with one exception: a tall ninja holding a clipboard was following the builder. The ninja's entire face was almost completely obscured by a combination of a mask and the fact that he wore his hitai-ate slung over his left eye. His spiky gray hair shot up and to the left, clearly skewed by the odd way he wore his forehead protector.

Tazuna wrapped up his speech with the words, "Oh, yeah, Hatake-san here needs your signatures for the day before you start."

A disorganized line formed, with Naruto ending up near the end - waiting on Shikamaru tended to do that.

Naruto leaned to the left, trying to get a better look at this Hatake person. Shino, the bastard, was tall enough that he didn't have to do anything to have a clear view of everything - and he was in front of Naruto, so he was just blocking his view more. Still, Naruto managed to get a headcount of the assembled genin.

Fifteen out of twenty-seven.

_'They dropped out already? What did their sensei _do_?'_ Naruto wondered. He felt his hands clench into fists. _'I won't let her win. I _will_ be ninja.'_

He turned his attention back to the adult ninja, and saw him take Sasuke aside briefly. Then the Uchiha went to the door of the auditorium and waited, arms crossed.

Ah. So he was the Bastard's sensei.

When he finally got to the front of the line he scrawled his name on the clipboard hurriedly, then turned to try and find Shino.

But before he'd taken more than a step, the gray-haired ninja called out, "Excuse me, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto turned around. "Um, yeah?" He wasn't in trouble, was he?

The older ninja simply stared at him for a moment, giving Naruto a once-over with his single visible eye. It went on just long enough to be uncomfortable before Hatake asked, "Are you..." then he stopped.

This was now definitely awkward. "Did I do something wrong, Hatake-san?" Naruto asked.

"Kakashi," the older ninja answered him.

"What?"

"My name is Hatake Kakashi," Kakashi explained. "You can call me Kakashi."

Naruto blinked in confusion. "Oh. Um, alright Kakashi-san. Am I in trouble or something?"

Kakashi didn't respond for a beat, then shook his head. "Nevermind. You can go."

Naruto hurried after Shino, thoroughly mystified. He found him just outside the door - he'd been waiting for Naruto. When the genin separated to their various corners of the Academy, Shino agreed to "patrol" with Naruto. The…what was his name, ah! Aburame! That was it. The Aburame boy was a weird one, but Naruto was always happy to have company.

Almost pathetically happy, truth be told.

"So, why was Genma making you wear the cockroach hat?" Naruto asked Shino as they wandered aimlessly through the halls.

"I assume it was to embarrass me, like everything our sensei did to us," Shino answered.

"No, I mean why a cockroach? Everybody else had something that I could kind of see as kind of ironic."

"I assume he was referencing my clan techniques," Shino said.

"Oh," Naruto said, nodding as if that explained everything. "So…what are your clan techniques?"

Shino's right eyebrow arched upwards until it was clearly visible over his sunglasses. "Do you really not know?"

Naruto halted, crossing his arms. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't."

"That…explains a lot. Very well," Shino said, rolling back his left sleeve, revealing pale flesh that looked like it hadn't seen the sun in far too long. "Please, do not be alarmed."

Then the beetles erupted out of his arm. They swarmed out of his pores in an absurd wave of chitin, taking to the skies once they had literally blackened Shino's arm with their numbers.

Naruto's jaw went slack.

"Do not worry," Shino began, voice soothing. "They are under my complete control. This is the clan technique of the Aburame – a lifelong bond with a kikaichu hive."

He let the kikaichu fly about the hallway for another moment before mentally directing them to return. At once, the entire swarm responded to the clarion call of his silent will and flowed back to his arm, quickly disappearing beneath his skin. Shino let his sleeve fall back down to cover his arm.

"And now you know why most people tend to feel uneasy around – "

"DO THAT AGAIN!" Naruto yelled, eyes wide with wonder.

"Excuse me?"

"That was fucking _awesome_. You're like a one-man Biblical Plague. Can you do that with real locusts? Or, wait! What about ladybugs? I have to buy them by the pound or the aphids _destroy_ all of my plants."

Shino blinked in confusion once, then twice. "No…the bond is with a kikaichu swarm. They eat chakra. We use them to aid us in battle. I have some limited ability to control other insects, but only the kikaichu live inside of me."

"Oh. Well that's still pretty cool."

"...I guess," Shino said, shrugging awkwardly. "So what'd your sensei do to you?" he asked, seeking to change the subject.

Naruto scowled. "She told me I'd always be a terrible ninja, and then beat the crap out of me."

"Did she say why?"

Naruto thought about it for a moment.

_Your inability to fight, react to a threat, think tactically, use the ninja arts, conceal yourself, blend into a crowd, deceive a mark, or work with others effectively._

"Nothing specific…"

Shino's eyebrows furrowed. "That is…unusual. From what I have overheard, most sensei are focusing on some singular perceived flaw, and relentlessly mocking it."

Wheels began to turn in Naruto's head, ever so slowly.

"Oi, Shino…do you think your sensei'll stop threatening you with the cockroach hat if you start being social?"

Shino shrugged. "I certainly hope so…though I must admit, I have enjoyed today thus far. Still, I'm certain Genma-sensei will find something else to mock."

Naruto shook his head. "I don't think so. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of messed up test. Asuma told Chouji 'you pass,' and that he was the first 'real' genin when he told Asuma he'd stop being so self-conscious."

Shino considered this in silence for a minute.

"Would it not be more efficient to simply _tell_ us that we were being tested, if that were the purpose?" he finally asked.

"Nah. Cuz then we'd just cheat, or fake it, or whatever. But if it just looks like they're being dicks to be dicks, everyone who isn't willing to suffer through that will just quit. A dozen of us already _have_."

"…I see," Shino said, inclining his head slightly in understanding. "You think that they are trying to weed out those with obvious flaws, or weak wills."

"Yeah," Naruto said, teeth gritted. Except his sensei wasn't out to teach him any sort of moral lesson, just be a _bitch_.

"You could be wrong, you know," Shino pointed out.

Naruto scowled. He was right, he _knew_ it to the core of his being. He just needed a way to _show_ that.

"Dammit," he swore. "If only we had some way to spy on our sensei."

An awkward silence fell, and Naruto glared at his feet.

Shino thought about the situation for a moment before clearing his throat to get Naruto's attention. "I believe I know just the person," he announced.

-

"So there I was, surrounded by a crowd of people flinging pickles at me. Then I woke up," Kiba said.

"…that _is_ a weird dream, Kiba-kun," Hinata said.

She was saved from whatever Kiba's response had been by the arrival of Naruto and…Shino?

"It should not pose any challenge at all to her," she heard Shino say to Naruto. Hinata shook her head a little bit to clear it of the shock – Shino was _talking_? In full sentences? And it sounded like he'd been having a real conversation with Naruto-kun.

"Okay, I believe you," Naruto answered him. He turned to face Hinata. "Hi, Hinata-chan!" he called out, much louder than was necessary in the suddenly crowded confines of the records room.

"Um...h-hello, N-Naruto-kun," she stuttered.

"What are you guys doing here?" Kiba asked.

Shino gestured to Naruto, and everyone turned their attention to him.

Naruto spluttered in surprise, whirling on Shino. "What the hell? This was your idea.

"It is your theory," Shino countered.

"I guess," Naruto said, sounding much less confident. He turned to Hinata, looking her right in the eyes. The Hyuuga girl's face continued to flush a deeper and deeper shade of red. "I need you, Hinata," he said.

Hinata's blush turned cherry red, and she gave a little squeak of surprise.

Then she fainted.

Naruto blinked in confusion. "Um…what just happened?"

Shino poked the downed Hyuuga. Nothing happened. He poked her again. Still nothing. "I believe you broke her," he concluded. Without a stick, it wasn't a conclusive medical evaluation, but it was an acceptable field substitute.

"Give her some space you idiots!" Kiba growled.

Naruto and Shino backed away, and Kiba fanned at Hinata's face. "What did you do to her?" he asked accusingly.

Naruto's expression turned panicked, and he turned to Shino. "Was it something I said?"

Shino's gaze drifted between Naruto and Kiba in silence, the only sound in the room Kiba's ineffectual fanning. Now, he was far from a social butterfly, but even he had noticed Hinata's interest in Naruto. Were they both really _that_ clueless?

Hah. And his sensei said _he_ was bad at reading people.

Thankfully, Hinata regained consciousness before he was put in a position to point this out.

"Mmm…what happened?" she mumbled.

"Are you okay, Hinata-chan?" Naruto asked. "Your sensei didn't do anything to you, did they?"

Hinata looked up, and saw Naruto's face less than two feet from hers.

"Eep," she answered.

Naruto turned to Shino for help.

"Hinata-san, we are simply interested in testing a hypothesis and believe that you may be of assistance with regards to our inquiry," he explained.

Hinata's face twisted in confusion.

Kiba leaned in, concern on his face obvious. "Are you okay, Hinata?"

She closed her eyes, swallowed, then nodded, opening her eyes again as she did so. "I'm…I'm fine, Kiba-kun. Thank you."

Kiba didn't budge. "Did your sensei do something? You seem really lightheaded." He reached out and put a hand to her forehead, checking for a fever.

Hinata's blush returned in full force, but after a moment she pushed his hand away. "I'm okay, Kiba-kun. Kurenai-sensei just put that spotlight on me because…she said I would never be shinobi if I always acted like I had stage fright." This last was spoken in a very small voice, as if she'd confessed to a deeply hidden and mortal sin.

Naruto shared a knowing look with Shino.

"Hinata-chan…can you do me a favor?" Naruto asked.

"Um…anything," Hinata answered, face still flushed, lower lip trembling slightly. She'd backed into a corner of the records room. Her hands were held in front of her, her pointer fingers poking at each other nervously.

"Can you find Chouji's sensei, Asuma? And tell us if he says anything about Chouji."

Hinata blinked in surprise. "Oh. Um. I can try…"

"You can do it!" Naruto enthused. "I'm sure you can." He wasn't exactly clear on _how_ she was supposed to do this, but he trusted Shino.

Hinata nodded uncertainly, but closed her eyes in concentration anyway. The veins at her temples bulged with the activation of Byakugan. She cast her gaze throughout Konoha, searching for Sarutobi Asuma.

After nearly twenty minutes of searching, she found him inside a lounge in the Hokage Tower, speaking with Kurenai-sensei.

It took her a moment to get a good view, but after that it was no trouble to read their lips and copy their words as they spoke…

-**Hokage Tower**-

Asuma snipped the end off of a cigar with his brand new sterling silver cigar cutter. Both had been provided courtesy of the betting pool the sensei had had going...until he'd won it, thanks to Chouji.

"You know I hate the stench of those things," Kurenai said, arms crossed.

"I'm aware," Asuma answered as he lit the cigar and took a long first drag. He exhaled smoke in the direction of an air conditioning vent, visibly relaxing as he did so. "Victory is sweet."

Kurenai punched him in the arm. "Oh shut it. You just got lucky that you had the most easy-going of the genin hopefuls."

"It could have been a lot worse," he admitted. "I could have had the Uchiha kid. Lot of pride issues there, and a lot of expectations - and not just from him. Way too much pressure."

Kurenai snapped her fingers. "That reminds me! Did you hear about Kakashi?"

"No? What'd he do? Show up late to meet his student by six hours?"

Kurenai shook her head. "That's the weird thing. He volunteered to take roll at the Academy today. And he was on time."

Asuma took another puff of his cigar. "Huh. That's...not like him."

Kurenai wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Didn't I tell you to put that out?"

"You did," he agreed, still puffing away. He never got to smoke the _good_ cigars. "What do you think Kakashi's up to?"

She shook her head. "I don't even going to try and guess at what goes on in that man's mind. Maybe it's got something to do with his assignment. You know he didn't want Sasuke, even though he's the obvious choice."

"He couldn't really justify turning down Sasuke for the runt," Asuma agreed. "Not much promise in that one."

Kurenai tossed her hands in the air. "He's doing just as well as Hinata, so far."

He shrugged. "I don't envy you trying to break that girl out of her shell."

"I don't know why she's this withdrawn," Kurenai complained, going along with it for the moment. "She's easily the most talented girl in her class, but she's just so _meek_. I'll have to send her back to the Academy if she doesn't improve."

Asuma frowned. "Wish I could help you, but you know I'm no good with women."

Kurenai smiled and turned to face him, then strode confidently up to his chair. Her hand reached out to cup his cheek. "Oh, I don't know about that."

"We should really lock the door," Asuma said, beginning to grin like a schoolboy. He made no effort to go for the door.

"Mmm. We really should…"

-**The Records Room**-

Hinata deactivated her Byakugan before it could go any further. She hadn't echoed the last few sentences, merely watched. Her face was redder than a tomato.

She became aware of a hand waving in front of her face.

"-nata-chan. Hiiiinaaaata-chaaaaan," Naruto called. "Earth to Hinata-chan."

With an effort of great will, she calmed her newly racing heart. She took a deep breath, trying to combat the sudden flush to her cheeks. "What was that all about, Naruto-kun?" she asked.

_'A complete sentence! Yes!'_ she thought to herself. Those were always difficult to get out around Naruto-kun.

Naruto explained his theory about why, exactly, their sensei had been messing with them.

"That…makes a lot of sense, actually," Hinata said, fighting to keep her surprise out of her voice. Naruto-kun was many things, but…puzzle solving had never been one of his strong suits. Maybe he'd had some insight into the hazing from his own experience as a prankster? She looked around the room at the silent genin – no, at the silent _genin hopefuls_. If what she'd seen was right…then she wasn't even really a genin yet. And never would be.

"So…"she said, finally finding her voice. "What do we do now?"

Naruto grinned, and Hinata lost herself in the expression. "Simple. We pass their tests. Plenty of time to get back at them later."

Hinata's expression turned downcast, and her gaze focused on the hem of her jacket. "Oh." She looked up, forcing a false smile. "Good luck, Naruto-kun. I'm sure you'll graduate."

"What?" Naruto asked. "Oh hell no. We're not splitting up. We just found out that every single one of our sensei is conspiring together against us. No way am I letting them pick on us like that. They're just bullies. We can beat them."

Kiba snorted in disbelief. "And what's your big plan for that, exactly?"

Naruto answered without even looking at Kiba. "We take Kurenai's advice: first we get the most talented girl in the class on our side." He grinned at Hinata, then winked.

Her blush returned with a vengeance.

Shino cocked his head to the side. "How do you propose we do that?"

Naruto had actually already figured this one out. He remembered being that unsure of himself, that full of doubt. He'd paved over the insecurities with the sound of his own voice, but Hinata…Hinata hadn't been able to. She needed what he'd wanted so desperately for the first decade of his life: genuine support.

"Hinata?" Naruto asked.

Hinata swallowed nervously and failed to meet his eyes.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"I'm…n-not ner-nervous," she answered.

"C'mon. If you're nervous you should just tell us. We're your friends here; you can trust us." He noticed her twitch a little bit at the word 'trust.'

She fisted her hands in the hem of her parka. "B-but I'm _not_ n-nervous."

"Are you sure? You sound nervous," Naruto pressed.

"I'm n-n-not. R-really."

"Hey Naruto, ease up. She clearly doesn't want to talk," Kiba interrupted.

Naruto held up his hands and backed away. "Sorry. I just wanted to know what she's really thinking."

"I'd…I'd rather not," Hinata stammered.

"Pleeease?" Naruto asked wistfully.

Hinata swallowed the lump in her throat. "Well…if you really want to know…"

"Yes!" Naruto said encouragingly.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Hinata," Kiba said defensively.

Hinata stood up, then took a deep breath. She looked up and met Kiba's eyes. "Kiba," she slowly. Her voice held a strange weight, and Naruto had the sudden mental image of an old and thoroughly abused dam, creaking as it tried to hold back the floodwaters.

Her back straightened, her expression hardened, her eyes went flinty, and the dam finally broke.

"I'm a ninja from the oldest family of ninja still left in this village," she remarked, voice calm and casual, posture anything but. "And let me tell you they're just as backstabbing and devious at home as anybody ever was on the battlefield. I've been fighting to keep my place in that wretched hive of scum and villainy for my entire life so no, I do not need you to step in and defend me."

Kiba's eyes went wide, and Naruto's mouth formed a silent "O" of wonder.

"And if you simply must know, no, I am not nervous around you all. I just live in a state of constant terror, and almost every waking thought goes towards trying to think up some sort of plan for when I get home. A plan to get out of having to 'practice' with my cousin, who is supposedly my loyal bodyguard, but takes great pleasure in humiliating me in front of my father and my little sister."

She paused and cocked her head to the side. "Oh, that's right, I've never told you about my family. Sorry about that; I try to avoid thinking about them. My younger sister is an arrogant little idiot. My father tells her that her Byakugan is stronger than mine, but she's too blind to see that the only reason he spends time with her is to try and scare me into working harder. He'll marry her off into the Branch family the second he's done with her." She shook her head in frustration, squeezing the poisonous thoughts into words through gritted teeth.

"My cousin is an arrogant prat with a martyr complex. He has all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire. He can't open his mouth to speak without subtracting the entirety of human knowledge from his words, and I swear if I have to listen talk about fate again he'll find himself fated to scrubbing every toilet in the clan compound with his tongue. Assuming I can get someone to realise that _I'm_ still the heir!"

She let out a slightly hysterical half-laugh, half-hiccup before pressing on. Her hands had balled into fists, and Naruto could see ruby-red drops of blood from where Hinata had driven her carefully trimmed nails through the flesh of her palms.

"But they're both lily-white angels compared to my father. He's a self-righteous hypocritical scum sucking slime who is utterly convinced that each and every word that spews out of his oh-so-noble mouth is the Way and the Truth and the Light, instead of recognizing it for the self-serving claptrap that it is. It's no wonder he drove my mother to death; I'd die too if I had to have anything of his inside of me."  
She's referring to herself and Hanabi, not his penis. Self hatred is best hatred.  
She turned her attention away from Kiba for a moment, poking Shino in the chest hard enough to stagger the much taller boy. "Shino, I know you're about as emotionally active as a brick, but you look just about as intelligent with your jaw flapping in the wind like that." She looked over her shoulder back at Kiba. "Speaking of stupid looks, Kiba, stop trying to get my attention with the puppy-dog eyes. I'll admit that you have a nice ass, but if you don't stop sniffing after mine I'll feed you your dog."

Birds could have nested in Kiba's open mouth. He blinked, trying to think of a response, but Hinata simply waved away his splutterings. "Please, I wouldn't actually kill Akamaru - he's the smartest male in our class. Take Sasuke, for example. Top of the class, and God if he doesn't know it. He's had so many people lining up to toss his salad he thinks he's God's genius gift to the ninja world. Nevermind that his brother was already murdering his whole clan when he was Sasuke's age. Hell, I wish he'd taken a little extra time out of his evening and visited my clan compound on the way out of town."

Naruto mouthed the words, "What the fuck," in unison with Kiba. Possibly Shino too, judging by the way the collar of his jacket was moving.

"Though I suppose the class isn't entirely responsible for their stupidity, if my experience with the teachers was anything to go by," Hinata mused. "None of them could never really help me with anything - most of them were too busy burying their noses in Sasuke's rear. The rest were were either worried they'd offend or injure an important 'Clan Heir,'" Hinata spat the words out like they were the harshest invective, using finger quotes around the hated title. "Or they thought I was being arrogant and condescending because I was a Clan Heir...and some were just waiting for their next chance to feel me up in class under the pretext of 'correcting my form.' No, I got it, thanks anyway Mizuki-sensei. If there's one teacher in this school I WISH would be afraid of insulting "the Hyuuga heiress" it would be him."

The hum of fluorescent lighting was deafening in the sudden silence.

"Graaah!" Hinata screamed, her hands fisted in her hair. "Do you have any idea how much I hate my life?" she asked, eyes squeezed shut. "I envy _Sakura._ Even though she's a shallow little airheaded idiot, she can go up to the boy she likes without being afraid that it'll be the last straw, the one that puts her out of her father's favor and branded a slave for the rest of her life. I can't even ask my father how his day went without being afraid that I'll say it wrong and then he'll bring out the threat of having the brain shattering Bird Seal brutally scribed by bewilderingly shortsighted blitheringly senile bowel sucking elders straight onto my forehead." She took a deep breath, pausing for a moment.

And before they could get a word in, she was off again, her voice steadily rising.

"I hate the Bird Seal. Not just because it's a looming Doom of Damocles over my head, but because it's the poison that's been destroying us since the village was founded. It's why my sister won't open the birthday cards I give her and why my cousin's been trying to beat his head against the brick wall that is my father's stupidity for eight years. It's why, despite the fact that he's everything my father wants in a Hyuuga, the old man can't have it because he's too stupid to look past the fact that Neji isn't his son!" This last was screamed loud enough to leave Naruto's ears ringing.

She started pacing. There wasn't much space for it in the records room, but the others stumbled out of her way. "Did I mention how much I hate my father?" she asked rhetorically. "He's the other half of the cancer. Every single word that spews out of his mouth is like raw sewage on the open wound that is our laughable "family." One of these days the Branch House is going to realize they outnumber us twelve to one, and that Itachi had the right idea about how to deal with a clan of egocentric narrowminded hidebound traditionalists more concerned with proper form than anything resembling function."

"Which reminds me!" she all but screamed. "Speaking of useless formalities, do you know why I scored so poorly on my taijutsu exams?" Before anyone could hazard a guess, she pressed on. "It's because I'm only allowed to practice clan kata, because the other forms are obviously inferior. And I'm not allowed to practice those outside of our dojo, because the commoners might steal our precious techniques, nevermind that they couldn't use them even if they wanted to. Practicing in the dojo means practicing with my cousin, which I believe I mentioned means getting savagely beaten until I can barely move," she pointed out bitterly.

"And it's already hard enough to move. There is literally no clothing I can buy that fits me properly and still lets me actually _move_ without popping out of my shirt or tearing a skirt in half." She gestured to her chest. "I'm twelve years old, and what is _this_?" she snarled, unzipping the jacket, furious enough that the jerky motion broke the zipper. She scowled harder, then threw the offending garment on the floor as hard as she could.

She stood there, panting with exertion, sweat running down her face and arms. Her fashion complaints were apparently not unfounded - she was wearing a loose, solid-black t-shirt. It was clearly designed for a taller, older girl, and the neck was loose enough that the tops of her breast bindings were visible. The bottom had been crudely trimmed to end at about Hinata's waistline, though it fairly dwarfed the small girl.

"These suck!" she yelled, pulling the neck of her shirt down for emphasis. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a C-cup sports bra that fits someone my age? Or any type of clothes that aren't spandex or loose or just trashy-looking? Or just how hot that jacket is in the summer?" she yelled.

Hinata straightened slowly, glaring at the three of them. "But noooooo, I can't take it off because then I'd be exposing myself to the uncouth commoners," she said, clearly mocking someone specific. She crossed her arms underneath her chest and scowled at Naruto. "Speaking of which, Naruto, you are completely unable to take a hint."

The three boys in the room stood there in stupefied silence until Kiba closed his mouth with an audible click of teeth colliding.

Hinata got her breathing under control, then swallowed nervously, her eyes darting around the room. She shrank in on herself a bit.

"Um...too much?" she asked in a small voice.

Naruto fell to the ground laughing, and Kiba joined him a moment later.

Hinata tried to make herself as small as possible, but then she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Shino's sunglasses, and the tall boy simply gave her an encouraging nod before backing off.

"Oh...oh God, Hinata," Naruto said, tears at the corners of his eyes. Then he got a good look at her, and scrambled to his feet. "We're not laughing at you!" he said insistently. "We just...didn't expect that."

Kiba was on his feet too, and suddenly showing signs of contrition. "Yeah, I...I had no idea. How do you live like that? I wouldn't last a minute."

"It's...hard, when everyone you know hates or fears you, or insists that you're a pathetic weakling," Hinata whispered, awkwardly clutching her left elbow with her right hand, eyes downcast.

"I know how you feel," Naruto answered into the quiet that had fallen over the room.

Hinata looked up into his eyes, and blushed but didn't look away. His face was...earnest, and serious, intense like she'd never seen before.

"But you're wrong," he insisted. "_We_ don't hate you. And I think that if you can live through _that_...then you must be the strongest person I know."

"Yeah," Kiba agreed. The simple assent still managed to convey his feelings on the subject perfectly.

Shino bowed to her politely, as one equal to another. It contained more genuine respect than every subservient gesture she had ever observed from her family.

Tears blurred her vision, and her throat clenched shut with emotion.

"Thank you," she whispered.

-

Anko scowled across the table at Kakashi, biting into the last ball of dango on her skewer as she did so. The elite jounin ignored her and continued to lean back in his chair and read his little porno novel. She began to twirl the skewer between her fingers, thinking.

Kakashi hated dango. There was no innocent explanation for why he'd sat down at her table halfway through her lunch…though only a genin would actually be stupid enough to point out something that obvious.

She gestured for the waiter.

"Two orders of chichi dango for Hatake-san please," she ordered politely. She had no interest in being thrown out of this place.

Kakashi's book snapped shut, and he somehow managed to convey that he was frowning despite the fact that his mask and hitai-ate covered everything but his right eye. Anko grinned innocently. Kakashi wasn't exactly inconspicuous, but he still didn't like hearing his name in public places.

The dango arrived a few moments later.

Kakashi took the first skewer in hand and began to eat, taking one tiny bite out of each dumpling before setting it aside. He repeated his actions with the other skewer, still without removing his mask.

This finished, he leaned back in his chair and snapped open his book again.

Anko's expression soured, and she made as if to leave.

"I remember the day the Sandaime chased Orochimaru out of the village," Kakashi said evenly. Anko glared at him, but Kakashi simply licked his fingers and turned the page.

"So do I," Anko prompted him after several minutes of waiting.

Kakashi nodded sagely, as if she'd imparted some deep truth to him. "I imagine you do. It must have been hard for you. Orochimaru went from the apple of Hokage-sama's eye to the most hated traitor since Uchiha Itachi overnight. But he wasn't here, and there was so much _hate_ in the village directed at him. Hardly surprising that you became the focus of some of it."

Anko's hands clenched into fists convulsively. The dango skewer in her right hand shattered.

Kakashi giggled, a blush appearing on his one visible cheek. He turned the page again.

She studied his expression of perverted delight, trying to guess at his purpose. Kakashi had never tried to psychoanalyze her to her face before, and she didn't see why he'd decided to start now.

"It would have been nice to have had a mentor figure to lean on then, wouldn't it?" Kakashi asked rhetorically, eyes still on his book. "But the only person like that was gone. Leaving you to feel the hatred in his stead."

He closed the book, marking his place with his thumb. "For the sake of imagination, let us imagine an alternate history. One where you are approached by a more experienced ninja - say, Ibiki-san, who claims he will help you to be shinobi, despite the stigma of being Orochimaru's student. Only instead of helping you, he eats all of your food, throws you out of a third story window, and then calls you an idiot."

Anko's upper lip curled in distaste. "You're talking about Naruto."

Kakashi's expression didn't change, but she could feel it radiating bored disappointment. He flipped his book back open and buried his nose it. Anko cursed herself. That _was_ something a genin would say.

"I imagine that you would hate Ibiki-san afterwards," he continued, as if she hadn't said anything. "And that would be a terrible thing for you _and_ our hypothetical Ibiki-san, because he'd have failed to properly mentor a fellow Konoha shinobi. One of his teammates." He looked up from his book. "And that would make Ibiki-san _very_ unpopular with his fellows and his Hokage."

She did her best to keep up a poker face, though she knew it was a wasted effort against an elite jounin like Kakashi.

Kakashi smiled suddenly. "Maaa, listen to me ramble about things that didn't happen. Sorry for interrupting your lunch, Mitarashi-san."

The jounin rose to his feet and ambled out of the room, giggling perversely the entire time.

He'd left his dango on the table, one bite taken out of each dumpling, just to ruin it for her.

"Asshole," she muttered, grabbing one of the skewers anyway. 

**Closing Notes:** You have no idea how much stuff got cut from that Hinata rant for being too over the top.


End file.
